"I love myself, I think I'm grand..."

 I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack!  And I have been so very busy, hence the lack of writing.  I need to get it together and get back online so that I can one day get a book deal.  So here I am.

I have the opportunity to work with Meg's college lacrosse team as their "Character and Leadership Coordinator", which is an [unpaid] awesome position that allows me to look into the minds of female college athletes and help them figure it all out.  Meg paid for both of us to get certified as Emotional Intelligence coaches which has allowed us to understand how neural pathways and cognition play a huge role in successful athletics.  It has been fascinating.

This week, I had the opportunity to work with her sophomores.  Each semester, we have an entire class of young women over to enjoy a home-cooked meal and a lesson.  This week was about leadership, and how important it is for leaders to have the duality of being hard and soft:  firm and kind, courageous and caring, strong and sensitive.  The tricky part is knowing when to use each side, and how to not be a wimp or a b*tch.  (Really, for all women, this is the question, amiright???) 

Near the end of the talk, the players drew the name of one of their teammates and had to write down a message to them:  something they should start doing, stop doing, and continue doing and then they had to read the statements out loud to the recipients.  Out of 6 young women, at least 5 said "continue being an incredible lacrosse player" or "continue being positive" or "continue your positive self-talk" or something along those lines.  (They did great with the rest of the comments too-- and some were tough to hear!)  So, as the coaching staff hears all of this we are all patting ourselves on the back.  When I asked, "How does it feel to hear this feedback?" many of them noted that it was nice to hear, and that they were surprised at the comments about continuing the positivity.  But then, it came out.  One girl said, "I was surprised to hear that I should continue being positive about lacrosse, because honestly I don't have a lot of confidence."  That was like the beginning of the wall coming down.  Every girl noted specific areas in which she lacked confidence both on and off the field.  While they acknowledged that hearing their teammates make supportive comments was really awesome, they still weren't sure if the comments were true.  They were unsure if they were deserving of the comments at all.

Now, if you know anything about women's college lacrosse, you'd know this is a game filled with white privilege.  (Also men's college lacrosse-- see the Duke Lacrosse case for evidence on that).  This particular group of girls come from families who have 401k's, and full-time jobs, and mountain houses, and own their own businesses.  By all understanding of trauma, most of these girls have experienced very little on the ACEs scale.  And yet, there they were, sitting before us, telling us they didn't have self-confidence.  What is going on here?

Meg and I recently watched the documentary The Social Dilemma on Netflix, and I really believe that the lack of self-confidence among these beautiful and talented young women is directly correlated to their constant connection to the world through social media and their smartphones.  One player noted that:  "You know, social media, being online all the time, it makes me think I'm not good enough".  I shared with them my own history of body-hating, which has honestly come full-circle since women like Kim Kardashian and Lizzo have hit the scene.  "Do you know how hard it is to hate all of this (gesturing wildly to the lower half of my body) for 35 years, only to now be told that 'slim-thicc' is the body I actually should want to have?  It's confusing!"  And yet, that's what social media has done.  

The number of illusions social media has created regarding how our lives should look is truly alarming.  If you're straight, you should take really cute photos of you and your partner kissing on a bridge with your golden retriever at your feet.  If you're gay, you should take really cute photos of you and your partner kissing, in matching shoes and outfits while holding rainbow flags at a Pride parade.  Your house should look like a page out of Real Simple.  Your hair and make-up should always be done.  Your breasts should be closer to your chin than your waist.  

These illusions aren't just for looks, though.  One of my very favorite friends talked with me about this as her son was looking for a college.  He had average grades, was an excellent soccer player, and yet he wasn't getting the same looks his friend's parents were talking about on social media.  "How did that kid get a look from UNC?  I taught him English in middle school, and I'm just saying, he wasn't that strong."  So these parents feel the pressure, too.  They have to promote the illusion on social media that their perfect children are going to You're So Smart University on a full academic scholarship and they are so proud of all the hard work they put in for that.  You know what?  I feel like I just saw some news about this... Aunt Becky was pretty proud of her daughters for getting into the University of Southern Cal, too.  

What is it with these illusions?  They are enough to make people have completely irrational thoughts, and can lead to anxiety, stress, self-harm, and suicidal ideation.  It's not enough that this generation of college students is one of the most observed of all generations-- some of these kids have an older social media presence than I do; they are being observed.  What can we, as adults, do in these situations when amazing, beautiful, talented young people self-disclose that they lack the self-confidence that they so freely display online?  

We must continue the work of building them up, challenging them to work hard, encouraging them to fail so they can learn from their experiences.  Our society has created an illusion that everyone does everything perfectly the first time.  Think about those cooking blogs you follow.  You never see the 18 failed attempts at a gluten- and dairy-free, vegan pumpkin souffle (which, by the way probably cost them $23,892,739 to make).  Social media needs to be seen, accepted, and promoted as a "best of" forum, where we only see the end results, not the hundreds of failures that led to perfection.  Until we can do that, we will be faced with beautiful, talented, amazing young people who have no idea who they are or where they are going.