Comparison is the thief of joy - Pregnancy edition

Pregnancy #3 is in full force, and I can't help but compare the experiences-- this, I am realizing, is taking away the joy I should be experiencing for bringing a new human into the world.  Instead of focusing on the weird changes my body is going through, I'm focusing on how different this one is from the last one.  It's exhausting.

Pregnancy #1 resulted in a miscarriage at 6 weeks, so my experiences in that one were pretty limited.  I had some nausea, but it was so early that it was little more than a blip on the radar.  I do remember having strong cravings for cereal and juice, strangely.  The miscarriage happened naturally (as opposed to having a D&C) which, honestly, I probably would not recommend.  Beyond the emotional toll it took on both me and Meg, it was extremely painful and uncomfortable.  Two thumbs down, for sure.

Pregnancy #2, which resulted in our sweet Olivia, was idyllic.  Why?  Because I was coming off a loss, and I didn't realize I was comparing?  I don't know.  But my weight gain for the entire pregnancy was about 20 lbs and I was belly only-- if I was sitting at a table, you'd have no idea I was pregnant until I stood up, and even then, if you saw me from the back, you wouldn't have known.  That factor alone, after years of struggling with body image and food choices, made the pregnancy really great.  I also was active-- I did yoga most mornings and walked to get 10,000 steps most days.  I don't remember the weather bothering me much-- if it was hot, at the beginning of the pregnancy, I dealt with it in my normal way (Floridian's are usually part lizard-- the more sun, the more basking).  If it was cold and snowy, I was also fine going out and walking in the mornings before work as long as I bundled up appropriately.  That really really helped-- after the first trimester (which was ROUGH), my exhaustion really curbed and I was able to be active, which I know made me feel better.  That first trimester though-- I'd come home from work and take an hour nap on the couch while the MVP of our relationship cooked dinner for me.  I didn't really have any specific cravings, more of aversions to food-- the smell of meat cooking made me so nauseated that I'd sometimes have to go sit outside, particularly pork.  Almonds and almond butter, normally staples of my diet, grossed me out.  I traded my dark chocolate love for milk.  And salads kind of grossed me out during the first trimester.  But, the cravings I did have were weird.  Orange juice got me through my first trimester, for sure.  And I had smoothies on my way to work, then ate my breakfast at work.  In life, I don't eat a lot of processed food-- but in pregnancy, it was like "the more processed, the better".  During the 3rd trimester, Diet Coke became the most amazing thing I'd ever tasted-- under normal circumstances, I don't like soda, and I definitely don't like diet soda.  (Incidentally, my sister had a similar experience with processed foods-- hers was Bagel Bites.  So strange.)  In general, I tend to believe that when our bodies really have a craving it's because we are missing something that food offers.  But Diet Coke?  What does that offer?  I never counted calories, but I honestly can't remember what I ate during pregnancy.  A lot of Hello Fresh dinners (which is standard)... eggs, bacon, and hash browns for breakfast... I think I had a lot of (microwaved) deli-meat sandwiches for lunch with Doritos.  So not particularly healthy, but also not super high calorie, either.  Oh, and ICE COLD water.  And cereal.  Sleep also wasn't much of an issue until toward the very end of the pregnancy-- mostly due to discomfort that's really common at the end of pregnancy.  But even getting up to pee wasn't terrible-- I'd wake up, go, then go back to sleep with no problems.  And then, other than the delivery not being exactly what we hoped and planned for, it ended up perfectly with a healthy Mama and a healthy baby, and a 4-in scar across my lower abdomen.  We had the best possible experience possible based on the limited options we had.

Pregnancy #3 is different from #2 (there's that pesky comparison!).  For starters, the sheer exhaustion I had during the first trimester was like no other.  Meg thinks it's because we were also racing after a toddler at the same time, which is possibly very true.  I also think living in a Covid-world added to that exhaustion as well.  I had a trimester-long headache with this one-- with Olivia I think I took tylenol maybe 3x total in 40 weeks, but with this one it was much more consistent as I just could not get comofrtable.  I finally switched back to essential oils to try to curb the pain naturally, which seemed to help a lot.  Also, I am SO responsive to temperatures.  Last semester I was on a different campus that's about 10 degrees warmer than my house (due to elevation and location) and the parking lot is a 10-min walk to my office, which is a 7-min walk to my first class, which was a 12-min walk to my second class, which is a 10-min walk back to my office.  Besides being late for pretty much everything, I was also sweaty and uncomfortable almost all the time.  I don't remember that being an issue with Pregnancy #2.  And now, in the dead of winter, all I want is to be warm, and walking outside is very unattractive when it's in the teens and we're surrounded by snow.  I'd really love a treadmill, just so I can get close to 10,000 steps a day.  My inactivity is stressing me out.  Food aversions are similar-- grossed out by meat, especially pork.  But craving sweets like crazy.  At first, I wanted sweet tea all the time-- I limited it, but had much more than I do in my normal life.  And now in my 3rd tri, I'm back to my one true love:  Diet Coke (or Coke Zero).  One day, not interested... next day, "I can't live without you!"  My belly popped out WAY sooner-- and that made me super self-conscious, and my weight gain has been higher this time around.  At 30 weeks, I weigh more than I did when I delivered Olivia.  It's hard to not make a comparison there-- why is that happening?  Am I eating so differently?  I know I'm moving less, partly because I've experienced pregnancy insomnia which leaves me awake for hours at night sometimes.  And, when you're up for 2 hours a night, waking up early to walk is an aversion.  My dad is convinced this one is a boy because it's made me feel so different, but I'm not so sure about that.  Also, my anxiety is through the roof!  So many questions, so many worries, and nothing but time at 3am to think about it all.  

During my first trimester of this pregnancy, when I was feeling super terrible, I remember texting my sister and saying "Who the hell does this more than twice?!"  I wonder if anyone out there had a better second pregnancy than their first?  And then, there's that comparison-- better, worse, the same as-- it makes it impossible to celebrate the small stuff when the back of my mind is saying, "Yeah but, last time was better."  This feeds into the anxious feelings I have by making think, "Last pregnancy was damn near perfect and Olivia was a dream baby.  This pregnancy isn't shaping up as well-- that means baby won't be as great as her!"  My biggest fear as a parent is comparing our kids to one another; my parents modeled how not to do that pretty well (in my opinion-- my siblings may disagree because they were raised so differently than me... to start, they always had each other around!) but that worry is still there. Until Baby Flamingo is here, we won't have any idea about any of this stress.  

With 10 weeks left, I need to turn my focus more inward and listen to my intuition, and stop the comparison game.  Am I ok?  Am I healthy according to my doctors?  Is the baby moving?  Is it ok?  What do I need?  Can someone get me a Diet Coke?